lovey

She makes life bright.

2 months from today she will be having a birthday.

I can't really wrap my head around it.

I got extra lucky with this one, my little lovey.

9...OK, almost 10...months

Sadly, Tatey baby keeps growing.

At her 9 month appointment (that was really at 9 mos and 3 weeks) she weighed 17.5 lbs.

She has 0 teeth.

She is standing pretty well on her own.

She is deep into the get-into-ev.e.rything stage. Which of course includes the make-a-million-messes-a-day stage.

She is walking with her toy and all around the furniture. This is the same walking toy that Ava and Mos used. Interestingly, all my babies have walked at around 10 and 1/2 months.

These things take a lot of concentration.

Tate is my first one to say "mama" before she said "dada". She likes to wave and clap. She laughs at Ava and Mos a lot and likes to sneak into their rooms to play. I hate (but sometimes love) the growing up, but I am happy to say that as of now she still growls.

Ava's first time snow skiing

Ava and Matt went skiing in December.  It was Ava's first time skiing. She really enjoyed it and did really well.

Lisa caught Moses on video dancing with Grover.  Don't mind the mess we are all recovering from Strep.  This is probably one of the best videos you will ever see.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

paradox

Not long after we brought newborn Moses home from the hospital Matt left to drive out to Florida where we were going to live for the summer. I stayed at my parents' house with Ava and Moses until we would fly out there to be with Matt. That never ended up happening and Matthew came back to work in  Utah. During those long days and longer nights without Matt I struggled. Sleep deprivation is never easy and my body was still recovering from my very recent miscarriage. More than that I struggled with a mother's grief--not mine, hers; which, in one of the many ways two strangers connected, became mine also. I wrestled with my son's loss and wondered if I could ever be enough to patch up that gaping hole. Every time he cried, I cried with him.  I held him in my bed throughout the night, just as she had not long before. I whispered through tears, words about two mothers and a love it would take him a long time to understand.

Those days were incredibly happy too. I was in love and it was new and joyful. Moses was the snuggliest baby ever and when I held him, he held on back. I was overcome with the enormity of the ways I had been blessed. I was a proud mama of that beautiful boy.

I still tell him about those two mothers, and many times it is still with tears in my eyes. I often think about those same mothers sitting outside a hospital in the sunshine, crying together, right before one got on an airplane alone and one drove home with a baby. Life is never one or the other, it is joy and pain together. Moses experienced loss earlier than most, but he has also known a wholly selfless love. Everyday I hope to be the mother she did so much to give to him.

three

November 23 celebration.

three years since little buzz was sealed to us.

i remember everything about that day.

love love love our babies.

we've worked hard for every one of them.

and we would do it all over again.