Make It Better, Mama

One of my biggest fears going into motherhood was that someday my child would get hurt, I would kiss it better, and my child would look at me and say that it still hurt. They would know that mommy's kiss really didn't make anything better. I would lie awake at night wondering what I would do then. My mama always made everything better and I just knew I wouldn't be able to do the same. I just didn't have the magical mommy kiss, and it terrified me. Well, the dreaded day eventually came, as we all knew it would, and when I gave the kiss--it worked. She stopped crying, she snuggled into me instead of turning to announce my failure, she thought that I made it better.
When I was becoming a mother for the second time I was terrified all over again. Petrified, really. This time my baby would experience a profound, irreversible loss when he was just 2 days old. This time when my baby cried, I wondered if he was crying for someone else--someone that I could never be. So I held him and cried with him, whispering words I thought she would want him to hear. And he slept curled tightly into my side, and we hung on for dear life.
The fears have not left me. We battle it out most days. I still feel my heart speed up when that little girl gets hurt or scared and comes running to me. I am still surprised and relieved everytime she runs off happy again after my kiss. When she tells me, "Thanks Mama, I all better now," I feel like maybe giving her to me wasn't a mistake after all. Sometimes when I hold my crying son I still find my own cheeks wet for the mother that's not holding him. But he still holds onto me tighter than anyone ever has and my voice stops his cries and my hands wipe his tears. And when his arms are around my neck and his head on my heart I think that maybe I can make it just a little better.