One of my biggest fears going into motherhood was that someday my child would get hurt, I would kiss it better, and my child would look at me and say that it still hurt. They would know that mommy's kiss really didn't make anything better. I would lie awake at night wondering what I would do then. My mama always made everything better and I just knew I wouldn't be able to do the same. I just didn't have the magical mommy kiss, and it terrified me. Well, the dreaded day eventually came, as we all knew it would, and when I gave the kiss--it worked. She stopped crying, she snuggled into me instead of turning to announce my failure, she thought that I made it better.
When I was becoming a mother for the second time I was terrified all over again. Petrified, really. This time my baby would experience a profound, irreversible loss when he was just 2 days old. This time when my baby cried, I wondered if he was crying for someone else--someone that I could never be. So I held him and cried with him, whispering words I thought she would want him to hear. And he slept curled tightly into my side, and we hung on for dear life.
The fears have not left me. We battle it out most days. I still feel my heart speed up when that little girl gets hurt or scared and comes running to me. I am still surprised and relieved everytime she runs off happy again after my kiss. When she tells me, "Thanks Mama, I all better now," I feel like maybe giving her to me wasn't a mistake after all. Sometimes when I hold my crying son I still find my own cheeks wet for the mother that's not holding him. But he still holds onto me tighter than anyone ever has and my voice stops his cries and my hands wipe his tears. And when his arms are around my neck and his head on my heart I think that maybe I can make it just a little better.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Make It Better, Mama
Posted by Lisa at 6:10 PM 10 comments
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Thank you for the very subtle reminder, Emma Lee. You always did have a great memory.
Our summer was lovely (all two weeks of it). Unfortunately, we are idiots and therefore did not take too many pictures. We spent time at both Matt's and my parents houses, lots of time with cousins, and even had a bit of time to ourselves. Ava got to sleep on a trampoline for the first time with her daddy and she got to camp in the backyard in a tent with her Grandpa and cousins. We did a lot of swimming. Matt and I went to Raging Waters without children. We had BBQs and parties and get-togethers and ate all the food we miss when we are in Nebraska. I got a pedicure with my sister and Matt finally got a haircut. Moses drove a tractor and seemed to forget all about the fact that he was 14 months old. Ava got waffles or pancakes most everyday for breakfast--a tradition that will not continue back in the real world. Moses experienced his first ice cream cone. All in all I wouldn't have changed a thing.
I didn't get any good picutres of Ava during the trip so I'll share this little gem with you.
Posted by Lisa at 11:14 AM 5 comments
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