Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Make It Better, Mama

One of my biggest fears going into motherhood was that someday my child would get hurt, I would kiss it better, and my child would look at me and say that it still hurt. They would know that mommy's kiss really didn't make anything better. I would lie awake at night wondering what I would do then. My mama always made everything better and I just knew I wouldn't be able to do the same. I just didn't have the magical mommy kiss, and it terrified me. Well, the dreaded day eventually came, as we all knew it would, and when I gave the kiss--it worked. She stopped crying, she snuggled into me instead of turning to announce my failure, she thought that I made it better.
When I was becoming a mother for the second time I was terrified all over again. Petrified, really. This time my baby would experience a profound, irreversible loss when he was just 2 days old. This time when my baby cried, I wondered if he was crying for someone else--someone that I could never be. So I held him and cried with him, whispering words I thought she would want him to hear. And he slept curled tightly into my side, and we hung on for dear life.
The fears have not left me. We battle it out most days. I still feel my heart speed up when that little girl gets hurt or scared and comes running to me. I am still surprised and relieved everytime she runs off happy again after my kiss. When she tells me, "Thanks Mama, I all better now," I feel like maybe giving her to me wasn't a mistake after all. Sometimes when I hold my crying son I still find my own cheeks wet for the mother that's not holding him. But he still holds onto me tighter than anyone ever has and my voice stops his cries and my hands wipe his tears. And when his arms are around my neck and his head on my heart I think that maybe I can make it just a little better.

10 comments:

Stuart and Kimber said...

You totally made me cry!

It's nice to know that there are others out there with some of the same fears.

Although, not that Ava gets dirty but Moses might, band-aids totally work too, when it's too dirty to kiss.

becky said...

you are awesome- on sooo many levels!!

becca said...

this is such a sweet entry. you made me cry! It is very beautifully written and thought provoking. Thank you for sharing your heart thoughts with me.

Zaissa said...

You got me all choked up too!
I am kind of familiar with the family you come from and I think you grew up in one of the most loving and supportive families in the world so I am sure you still have that in you and will give it to your children. That’s the magic in mommy kisses, and I don’t think there is any way at all your children would be unable to perceive that.

And his biological mom will always be a part of him and if he does feel a loss, when he needs kisses and loves you will be the one there to give em’ (unless you come to Utah, then I get a turn. I wanna poke that belly some more too!). But by being there, and teaching him how good it feels to be loved, you will be the one he needs love from. And his mother thought you would be the right person for the job. (And she was totally right! I know it’s not easy to let someone else take your child, but if she knows the kind of family she found for him, then I imagine that at least gives her comfort.)

All of our kids have struggles, losses and hurts. We are here to get them through.

Zaissa said...

Oh but for the record, the first time I kissed Elsa’s injury as a cure, she looked at me like I was IN..SANE!

Fortunately I know ice cream cures stomach aches, band-aids are good for bruises, and if she falls I can spank the ground to punish it for hurting her.

Skkot said...

Thanks for the cool observations!

Skohtt

The Bailey's said...

Lisa-
that was the sweetest "mommy" blog entry ever! They are so lucky to have you for a mommy! Isn't it a miracle when that magic works and they snuggle even deeper into your arms? It's the greatest! Thanks for reminding me of another great blessing that motherhood is.

Kyle and Janel said...

That was a great post! Moses and Ava are blessed to have a wonderful, caring, loving mommy!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I love the comments and the post. Kind of humbling when you think about it. Mom's Kiss is the best thing for most owee's. I was always amazed that it worked!! It's nice to know that the magic is being passed on to the next generation. Loved the pix of Moses and the hat. He does have the magic...
LaKay

Jillian said...

I think Heavenly Father gave him to you because he knew your mommy kisses would be just what Moses needs.