Lisa caught Moses on video dancing with Grover.  Don't mind the mess we are all recovering from Strep.  This is probably one of the best videos you will ever see.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

paradox

Not long after we brought newborn Moses home from the hospital Matt left to drive out to Florida where we were going to live for the summer. I stayed at my parents' house with Ava and Moses until we would fly out there to be with Matt. That never ended up happening and Matthew came back to work in  Utah. During those long days and longer nights without Matt I struggled. Sleep deprivation is never easy and my body was still recovering from my very recent miscarriage. More than that I struggled with a mother's grief--not mine, hers; which, in one of the many ways two strangers connected, became mine also. I wrestled with my son's loss and wondered if I could ever be enough to patch up that gaping hole. Every time he cried, I cried with him.  I held him in my bed throughout the night, just as she had not long before. I whispered through tears, words about two mothers and a love it would take him a long time to understand.

Those days were incredibly happy too. I was in love and it was new and joyful. Moses was the snuggliest baby ever and when I held him, he held on back. I was overcome with the enormity of the ways I had been blessed. I was a proud mama of that beautiful boy.

I still tell him about those two mothers, and many times it is still with tears in my eyes. I often think about those same mothers sitting outside a hospital in the sunshine, crying together, right before one got on an airplane alone and one drove home with a baby. Life is never one or the other, it is joy and pain together. Moses experienced loss earlier than most, but he has also known a wholly selfless love. Everyday I hope to be the mother she did so much to give to him.

three

November 23 celebration.

three years since little buzz was sealed to us.

i remember everything about that day.

love love love our babies.

we've worked hard for every one of them.

and we would do it all over again.

monster baby

So lady-like, this little one.

Adoptive Mamas' Club

If you have adopted a child--voila--you are automatically a lifetime member. I entered the club officially on May 12, 2007 when guardianship of a certain brown-eyed boy was signed into my name. And even though the law didn't recognize me as his parent until November 21, to say that he was not "mine" until then--well, them's just fightin' words.

There are all kinds in the AMC. All kinds of hows and whys. All kinds of whens and wheres. Sometimes we are united by our shared experiences, and sometimes even the common ground is not enough to forge a real bond. So we choose those who lift us up and we keep them close.

I have not struggled with infertility like the vast majority of adoptive mamas. There was no grieving process for me to wade through before I considered adoption. So I cannot fully relate to most of them on that level. I made the decision to adopt long before I was married and trying to become pregnant. However, I gained some understanding of that grief when I experienced my first miscarriage 8 days before the birth of my son. My grieving over the loss and my joy in adopting happened simultaneously; somewhat seperate, yet inevitably intertwined.

Just like in the general population, there are varying opinions of birthmothers/fathers in the adoptive community. It is nice to think that there are other people in the world who just might really know what it is to love the woman who gave you a miracle. It is nice to have someone else who understands the battle we fight to protect the birthmother's/father's name and our child's right to their own story. It is nice to stand beside others to declare to the world that birthmothers are not the sixteen-year-old druggies that you think they are. They are mothers, in every sense of that word.
On the other hand, it is disheartening to see an adoptive mom not fulfill the contact agreement-letters, pictures, phone calls, visits, etc.-because she can't be bothered, because "other" moms don't have to do that for their kids, or because contact somehow threatens her own motherhood. It is sickening to have to walk out of a room because you just heard an adoptive mom tell somebody that they don't send pictures anymore because, "It's been a year and we are just over that. We've moved on with our lives."

Before you adopt you think you know a lot more about adoption than you do after the fact. One day you wake up to find your sweet little baby is three and can understand when a stranger asks a probably-innocent-but-completely-inappropriate-not-to-mention-stupid question in front of them. Or a family member makes a comment about your "real kids". Or someone at church tells you how noble you are for adopting. It's then you realize that all those responses you thought you had prepared fly right out the window. And it's then that the only people you can hash it all out with are the AMC (after your husband of course). They are the ones that really get that yes, the little remarks matter, yes, our children notice and learn from how well and how quick we respond, and yes, what we really wanted to do was blow up in their face but that was not in the best interest of our child--you know, the one that we want to hide from the ignorance of the world because we've never loved anything like we love them. Yeah, that one.

The AMC is where you go to discuss birthparent gifts and lifebooks. It's where you go to talk lawyers and birth certificates. It's where people know just what a big deal finalization is and the relief of not having to officially document all that is parenting anymore. It's where we find inspiration and where we learn from those that have gone before so we can pass it on down the line. It's where we learn from others' mistakes and where it's okay to admit our own as we cry buckets of tears. It's where we ask questions that might sound bizarre to others and where we go to freak out because sometimes we need to do that. The AMC is all of these things and more. We're just a bunch of mothers trying to get it right, change the bad and the ugly, and love our babies like there's no tomorrow.


*A special thank you to the few people in my life who, having never lived it, get it anyway. I have dubbed you honorary members of my AMC.

The turtle tradition---who's who

little lovey

Oh,  you need to see some more pictures of my baby love?
Well, here ya go.

yes, she gets sweeter everday.

about me.

...life has been a little teensy-tiny bit hard as of late. Claire and her family are constantly on my mind. I find myself struggling with the worry, and the not knowing, and the questions that can't be answered. My mind swirls with questions of faith, and healing, and plans that are not ours. I feel the need to enjoy my children more and more often, and the guilt of continuing life normally when it seems nothing is normal at all.


...lately I've been feeling the pull towards things beyond this everyday of mine. Things I need to do. Things besides get on the treadmill more and have my hair done. You see, I'm kind of in charge of these three little people and they are going to do big things, or maybe small things that really matter. And I've got to show them how.


...it's November. National Adoption Month. You remembered, didn't you? I'm not going to say that I will post everyday about adoption because.. I won't. Obviously I have many strong feelings/opinions about adoption and everything that goes with it, but you are not going to get it all on blogger. That being said, November is a month dear to our hearts around here, in which we have much to celebrate, and I think I can come up with a post (or two) having to do with this crazy little thing called adoption in the next 30 days. 

Halloween Fun

We had gorgeous 85 degree weather for our Halloween weekend. There were pumpkins, and trunk-or-treats, and trick-or-treating, and dinner with friends, and caramel apples.

It's fun when the kids are old enough to really get into all the festivities of the holiday, but sad when they pick out their own costumes. Funny, it's just never what I would have picked out. Alas, we have Jesse and Woody, and in the name of cheapness tradition, our little turtle.



Ava wanted to make sure her hair was braided just like Jesse's and for the first time was interested in getting as much candy as possible. Mosey's costume barely made it to Halloween in one piece and he was scared of the "Frankenlion". Tate enjoyed riding on Daddy's shoulders and hanging onto his hair and ears (and may have been the cutest turtle yet--sshhh).

time flying by

It seems that in spite of my best efforts, Tate keeps on growing. This mothering business is all so bittersweet. 

crawling-so cute.

lowering the crib mattress-so sad.

sleeping through the night sometimes-heaven.

teething-awful.

wrestling with Daddy (really? already?)-adorable

growling-funny

fit throwing-eye rolling

the laughing-magical e.v.e.r.y time

 

Insecta--- what!!!!

It is called a Telephone

When we were at Sea World we checked into our hotel and Ava ran around to check out the room and saw the telephone and said, "Daddy I know how to use this.  There is one in my teacher's classroom.  You pick it up and just push the buttons like this."

My Boy

A few things you should know about Moses:

• his favorite color is red


• his favorite food is ramen noodles


• his favorite treat is cookies


• his favorite thing to do outside is hit the ball


• his favorite sister is Ava


• his favorite baby is Tate


• his favorite friend is Ava


• his favorite toy is Woody


• his favorite super hero is Dash
  

Moses has gotten really good lately at building train tracks (bigger and much more elaborate than in this picture). Obviously a good train track must consist of bridges and tunnels and lots of curves. Mommy is NO GOOD at track building.

Mos loves ROBOTS. He likes to build robots, draw robots, and act like a robot. At Sea World he said this submarine was a robot and he wanted to take a picture by it.

This kid would hit the ball all day long if he could just get his mommy to stand out there and throw it to him.

Matt has also reported that Moses can throw a football straighter and further than the five-year-old next door who is actually on a football team. And this was after the first time Mos had thrown one.

That's my boy. I'm a lucky girl, ain't I?

Sea World

Well we went to Sea world with the Kidos. It was a lot of fun, exhausting and there were a few times when Lisa and I looked at each other and wonder why did we do this to ourselves.

Believe it or not, Shampoo (as Moses calls him) kept Moses' attention.
We loved feeding the dolphins until Mos threw one of Ava's fish. Then the world almost ended. It was very close but some how there was a small light at the end of the tunnel and she was able to recover.
The dolphins still feel like wet rubber -just in case you were wondering. They are not warm and fuzzy like a puppy.

The after math of a fun trip and a long car ride.

Mose'n hose

Well I asked Mose if he wanted a hair cut--he responded with a definite yes. Later that day Mose and I picked up Ava and all she said was, "Did Mosey get a hair cut? He looks funny." I think that he is like total BA now.

Before

After

Kind of gross but Moses requires snacks while he gets his hair cut. I was looking at the box of ritz crackers and the nutrional facts said nothing about added protein from his black curlies on his crackers.

The Good Shepherd

I overheard Ava talking to Tate:

"Tate, Jesus is a shepherd and you are his littlest lamb.

And Mommy is a sheep."

Thank you, Primary.

Ava's first day of School

Ava got a full-time job, I mean, started kindergarten. It's pretty much the same thing since kindergarten is from 7:45am-3:00pm. However, she loves it. She almost went crazy waiting for August 23rd, but she made it and here she is on the big day.

That little boy at her table looks SUPER excited too!

And Mos loves Ava going to kindergarten too because he got some free waffles so all is right with the world.

*As a side note, Ava did not tell us one new thing that she learned in her first entire week. Kindergarten sounds amazing.

Kim and family came to visit

Kim, Stuart and family stopped by for a day on their move to Reno. It was a lot of fun. We did not do much because it was Sunday but we went to the park and just hung out. We tried to get a Sunday afternoon nap in but this house is too small to try to escape the noise. Kim was happy to do Ava's hair and Ava loves getting her hair done.

Bath time

Feeding the ducks- it was super hot so we did not stay long.
The kids were all sad to say good bye.

Apparently it is really hard for some kids.

Utah post 2

Good times in Utah....

Matty blessed our little beauty. Luckily she was crying in the pictures, just like Ava did in hers.

Uncle Brandon was helping Mos be Buzz Lightyear off the diving board.

The girls swimming with their Daddy. See that? I can say "the girls" now. Wow! I have a lot of children.

Moses loves to be launched. And yes, I will apologize again to everyone for Matthew's swimwear.

On a hike.

Moses and his cousin Claire.

Grandma's "scooter cycle" was a big hit.

A Little Bit of Honey

Even though I am a complete slacker, I don't want you all missing out on this cuteness.

She makes me happy.

My Tatey is sweetness.

Like sugar.

Cannot get enough.

My Office

I stopped by my office yesterday -it seems to be on time in fact they called me and told me that they might be able to open on 26 of July. So this is what it looks like. Right when we left they were about to paint the front and start putting up the sign.

Reception area
This is part of the waiting room. There is an ajoining room where there will be some play things for the kidos.

This one of the operatories.

They have built 14 operatories in this building.