Tuesday, November 30, 2010

paradox

Not long after we brought newborn Moses home from the hospital Matt left to drive out to Florida where we were going to live for the summer. I stayed at my parents' house with Ava and Moses until we would fly out there to be with Matt. That never ended up happening and Matthew came back to work in  Utah. During those long days and longer nights without Matt I struggled. Sleep deprivation is never easy and my body was still recovering from my very recent miscarriage. More than that I struggled with a mother's grief--not mine, hers; which, in one of the many ways two strangers connected, became mine also. I wrestled with my son's loss and wondered if I could ever be enough to patch up that gaping hole. Every time he cried, I cried with him.  I held him in my bed throughout the night, just as she had not long before. I whispered through tears, words about two mothers and a love it would take him a long time to understand.

Those days were incredibly happy too. I was in love and it was new and joyful. Moses was the snuggliest baby ever and when I held him, he held on back. I was overcome with the enormity of the ways I had been blessed. I was a proud mama of that beautiful boy.

I still tell him about those two mothers, and many times it is still with tears in my eyes. I often think about those same mothers sitting outside a hospital in the sunshine, crying together, right before one got on an airplane alone and one drove home with a baby. Life is never one or the other, it is joy and pain together. Moses experienced loss earlier than most, but he has also known a wholly selfless love. Everyday I hope to be the mother she did so much to give to him.

4 comments:

Kyle and Janel said...

You are amazing, just amazing. Miss you a lot! love ya woman!

Anonymous said...

I'm just thinking about the teacher of the three year old class in Primaary come January.

Natalie said...

Stop making me cry! I love you, Lis. You are a good woman. I never met Mosey's other mommy but you showed me pictures and we talked about her. I feel like she is my other sister, just one I don't get to see often. By the way, you look so cute in your family picture with Moses in his Buzz suit. Your hair is SO cute! Work it, own it!

Delaine said...

What an amazing post. It truly is a mothers love. You never want them to hurt or pain. You would do anything to take it away. What hard shoes to fill, to realize you need to fill all of the gaps. I love you girl! Wish we could see each other soon.